I knew it was coming but once the Mayor announced on the local cable channel WTFAWD that “We have not, and never will, approve the appearance of traffic circles within our jurisdiction.” It was only a matter of time before they appeared.
I knew all the positive statistics about traffic circles cutting journey times but surely such contraptions could never really catch on in a nation so committed to the straight-line American way? How could such an integral part of the ‘American Dream’ as going from A directly to B be re-routed by such circomlocuitive traffic circle reality?
Wasn’t there something in the constitution that protected our stop start traffic lighted powers from continuous counter clockwise traffic flow? I went through the constitution but couldn’t find any mention.
Given what was coming I tried to prepare myself for the menace ahead and took a ten session traffic circle theory course that ended with an hour in a traffic circle simulator - an hour that turned out to be a bit of a train wreck. But after re-taking the course without causing any further simulated fatalities I got a slot for driving in real time in a real automobile round a real traffic circle at one of the state traffic circle training sites.
Sat next to an experienced traffic circle instructor in an experienced Volkswagen traffic circle vehicle, we set off. It wasn’t long before I could see the fearful sphere up ahead waiting patiently for its next victim. Sweat stood out on my upper lip.
“Now, resist the temptation to drive straight over the middle of this,” said the instructor. “Remember you’ve been through the same thing on the simulator and you hardly killed any pretend people at all,”
“That’s true”, I said.
“We’re going to take the third exit.”
“Okay”, I said suddenly forgetting how to count to three.
As we got even closer I could see everyone was going round in circles. It didn’t make any sense. Somehow I managed to enter into a low level orbit and gained access to the rotation.
“You need to move over to the right so you can take the turn,” said the instructor.
But I couldn’t. My hands were frozen, fixed in position, left hand slightly down on the right one. It seemed like I’d need the skills of an F35 fighter pilot to make the manouvre I was supposed to. I missed the turning by a mile.
“Go round again,” said the intructor.
“Go round again?”
“That’s what traffic circles are all about.”
And then it made sense. I was in the middle of a game full of second chances.
“Now move over to the outside lane.”
I moved over to the outside lane.
“Take the exit.”
I took the exit.
Back at base, as the atmospheric pressure that had built up inside the vehicle during the session equalised with the outside world again, the instructor asked me “How do you feel?”
“Fantastic!” I said. “I feel I can do anything!”
“Stick shift?”
“Why not!”
